It's 8.30am, I'm still in my pajamas, haven't had breakfast, and while Nahlia's happy playing in her rocker, I'm painting. It's not the usual time of day that I would do this, but I've been wanting to do some more on it for some time now, so I took the small window of 'free' time and got my hands wet!
It's not the usual way I would do things, either. Normally I would do some task or other until it's finished or at least to a certain recognisable level of completion. But I'm learning the new rhythm of life that motherhood sets for me.... letting her needs take priority over my desires. [My needs must be met almost in sync with hers, for if I do not take care of myself, then I cannot take care of her either.]
I used to focus on the day that Nahlia won't have colic; the day that she will sleep by herself for long periods of time during the day; going to sleep and waking up without crying. I used to long for the day when things would be easier with her so I could get on with my life and do whatever I want, whenever I want. How sad, but I'm being honest here. But instead of waiting for her to grow out of her colic, I find myself growing into it. That is, I'm growing in how I respond to her when she is obviously upset because of her tummy. I am accepting that this is how it is for us - for her - and adapting my 'schedule', my outlook, my priorities, my everything, so that I can care for her in the most loving way - the way that she needs me to. I'm growing and becoming the mother she needs me to be for her. And loving her is what gives my life meaning - it makes everything else make sense.
So my painting is happening
slowly, one stroke, one layer at a time... the way that anything that is done with love should.
It's 8.50am; Nahlia is asleep on me; I'm looking at the paint on my hand; and I'm smiling.
